clotheshorse

As I once again pack to move, I am returning to choices about what to keep, what to pass on to beloveds who will cherish my things, what to give away to strangers, and what to recycle or trash. Moving internationally necessitates deep cuts. These are not easy decisions to make.

 -- content warning: this post contains discussions of weight gain, weight loss, and body size --

My decisions are further complicated by the practical implications of my autoimmune disease. Hashimoto's thyroiditis is cyclical in its early stages, meaning that sometimes my thyroid acts like it's hyperactive and sometimes it acts like it's hypoactive, which means that, among other significant symptoms, sometimes I lose weight, and sometimes I gain it. I got this diagnosis in 2017, but looking back, I can see hyper and hypo cycles as early as 2007. For me, these cycles seem to run about 3 years and swing 30-50 pounds, whether I am paying attention to diet and exercise or not. 

30-50 pounds is a lot when you're only 63 inches tall. It's the difference between the size S-6-32E cluster and the size L-14-34F cluster. One of my coping strategies has been to build a wardrobe with capsules that fit me at each point along that spectrum. Like other people switch out summer and winter clothes, I switch size groups as needed. Each one is a modest number of items, and some items fit in more than one capsule, but when all pulled out at the same time to pack, it looks like this: 

It's a lot. Very a lot. I wish it were less. I've recycled all the irredeemable things, I've given away the things I don't wear even when they do fit. This is, really and truly, only things I love. It's just things I love in five size capsules, plus a hoard of silk and wool base layers and heavy wool sweaters because Hashimoto's also means that my body is terrible at temperature regulation.  

To be honest, sitting on the floor among all these piles yesterday, I was feeling pretty terrible. Why couldn't I edit more? In the abstract, I know these things are just fabric. Other expats talk about selling  everything at home and buying new at their destination. Why can't I?

Anna rightly pointed out that each pile is reasonable and that having clothes you know you love when you need a new size is a kindness to yourself. Shopping for new things is more chore than fun when, regardless of size, your body doesn't match the fit models of the ready-to-wear fashion world. 

So, I'll be ruefully zipping all of this into space bags for the movers to box up and deliver to me. As so much else in my world changes, these objects of comfort and warmth will remain.