lingering fog

In the first days after Adam died, I felt like I was thinking through thick fog, like I didn't have access to all of my brain.

Even the simplest decisions were hard, and the hard ones were Sisyphean. My friends were amazing. They listened while I talked through choices slowly, and, though they offered their opinions and pointed out things I didn't see, they let me make decisions.

There were also resolutions, courses of action I knew to be right and necessary without having to decide. These came like bright beacons from a lighthouse. At no other time in my life have I heard the still small voice so clearly.

I remember having read somewhere that sometimes a coma is the body's way of making space for physical healing to happen. I realized the fog was like that, a protective blanket creating space for psychological healing. Despite my occasional frustration at my own plodding thoughts, I embraced the fog and tried to be patient.

Emerging into awareness was so hard. In the fog, I had been conscious of the enormity of my loss, but as the fog retreated, the small, everyday implications came into focus.

When I first returned to my research and writing when the kids returned to school after Labor Day,  I thought the fog had lifted, that I had my brain back.

I was wrong.

There is a lingering fog at the edges. Most of the time, I don't even notice it. Then, it reasserts itself. Perhaps because I've worked too long or because I've asked too much, expecting my current self to be like my old self. As I get deeper into revisions and need to make complex decisions, I...can't. I can feel the idea that will fill the gap, but I can't assemble the words. I stare at the problem and the fog advances until I have to walk away from the work. I have a deadline coming up, and it scares me.

I have four jobs right now: Mom, Dissertation Writer, Head of Household, and Executor of Estate. Each of those is full-time. I am not excelling at any of them, and recognizing that is humbling.

Even worse, though, is how the fog affects my relationships with other people.

I'm absent-minded in a way I never was before, and I keep double booking myself and the children. I put things in my calendar, but forget to check the calendar when making commitments. Then, I try to think of how I can manage both things, which rarely comes out well. So, I end up having to call someone and apologize for asking to reschedule, and that kills me.

I have no patience for bullshit, and my nice is broken.

I want to not need the protective blanket of fog, but I recognize that if it's still here, I still need it.

Forgive me and bear with me, please.

Comments

  1. I understand this frustrating fog as mine is still present. I say this not to discourage you, as I'm a year into mine and I do not wish for you to foresee yours lasting this long, but so that you know how very much you are not alone in feeling this way. What I've learned above all else in this past year is that those who love you don't even notice what you perceive as transgressions. Rather, they see more opportunities to love you in more helpful ways. Also, though admittedly pessimistic, that the other people don't matter in the grander scheme of things. They are working out their own issues and you have nothing to do with their frustration; they are frustrated with themselves for one reason or another.

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  2. Bless your heart Kate, for exposing yours so openly. It's ok, we all love you, take the time you need and progress at your own pace. Call or email if you ever need it :-)

    Siobhan

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  3. I won't pretend to know what you're going through any more than you could pretend to know what I've been going through, that said I can relate more than a little to the fog and forgetfulness. I'd like to offer some tips that have helped me, feel free to use what works, if anything, and discard the rest or all of it.

    First, technology has become my best friend. When scheduling ANYTHING I first turn to my iPhone/iPad/Macbook, whichever is closest at hand and look to see when I'm available. Then as I make a commitment it immediately goes onto the calendar which is "synced" with each and every Apple device Sarah and I own and she does the same. I also set reminders with each commitment for an appropriate amount of time to get me there if needed. I also use the "reminders" app that comes standard with the iPhone as well as both of us having an app for groceries that is also synced. If we notice we are low on something we put it on the list right away, otherwise it's not going to happen. I realize you may not have Apple products but if you have a smartphone or tablet then I highly recommend looking for an application that will allow you to keep track of these things. I also have alarms set on my phone for each time I need to take a medication, and any other regular occurrence throughout the week.

    I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say people who don't understand when you have to reschedule don't matter but I would say that those who know you and what the situation is will be understanding. Keep apologizing, it's the polite thing to do, and if it's someone new that you are finding you have to reschedule then don't be afraid to tell them the truth. Once people know where you are coming from they are much better able to understand why you have to reschedule or even cancel all together.

    Lastly I'm finding that after going through some really difficult time, be it the loss of a spouse or cancer treatment, there simply is no standard time for recovering or bouncing back from that. We each have our own unique story to tell and we'll fill the pages of that book in our own good time. I know of patients who went home from Seattle after treatment and went straight back to work, meanwhile I still struggle with what I'm going to do for work as the new limitations/restrictions in place for my safety don't allow me to do the things I know how to do. I'm slogging my way through this chapter one mucky step after another. The best advice a counselor gave me was to not look too far into the future but to look at what I can get done today. By focusing on what kind of job I was going to do, how I was going to learn the skills necessary for that job and how to pay for that I wasn't accomplishing anything in the present. The future will get here in it's own time, always trust in that. Time moves ever forward... What I'm trying to say is that there are no rules or guidelines to tell you when you will be done going through your process, that's for you to decide when you're ready. Never let anyone tell you when you should be done grieving for Adam or when you should have your life back in order, it's simply not their place to say.

    As always, we send our love and support and continue to pray for you and the girls. I know we're very far away but if ever you have need please don't hesitate to call or write. I'll check the calendar and enter you into it. ;-)

    All our love, Tracy.

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