ring
I'm still wearing black, but I'm not wearing this:
I could give you lots of reasons.
It's heavy.
It doesn't fit very well anymore.
Adam rarely wore his.
It's not really the embodiment of the vision I took to the jeweler who made it.
If I'm being honest, though, the real reason is that I just don't feel married. Sitting at dinner with friends the other night, I looked at my own hand and thought, Why are you still wearing that?!?
I've never believed in the family-reunion-up-in-the-clouds vision of the afterlife that is so prevalent in American culture, so I don't believe that Adam is 'looking down on us' or that his soul continues to have agency in my life. It is through our stories and our memories that the dead are present in the lives of the living, but that is our agency, not theirs.
So, I'll just put this over here.
I don't particularly feel single either. This is that wilderness between end and beginning.
When my father-in-law died, his widow continued to wear her ring, and she began to wear his on a chain around her neck. I thought it odd, since she hated men (said so very clearly several times) and I believe that did include her own husband....who, along with her only son, were relegated to living in tiny bedrooms in the basement, in darkness, dampness and black mold. While the women (three generations, by the way) all lived upstairs and occupied the three bedrooms. This is also a TINY house, could probably put three of them in your own farmhouse.
ReplyDeleteI thought it a real hypocrisy for her to continue to wear her ring (and her spouse's) when it was so clear that she didn't want anything to do with men.
Siobhan
The wilderness is such a mysterious and sometimes terrifying place--we love to talk about liminality when it's safely contained within a text we can dissect, but it's very different to actually BE liminal. I'm praying that you'll find beauty and wonder as you journey.
ReplyDeleteInhabiting liminality is strange, but there is the potential for beauty here. Thanks for your prayers of support.
Delete